... Warts and All

This is part 2. Please see "Let's Talk About (More Than Just) Sex Baby" for part 1. In part 1 we were talking about how we as people are made up of interconnected parts or facets. When there is a problem with one aspect of our lives it affects the others as well. We were relating that to relationships and how we tend to (as a church) focus on the unhealthy physical aspects of a relationship. However, it goes far beyond the physical.

When we are involved in serious relationship after serious relationship it tends to tear us apart on numerous levels. Our sexuality becomes disjointed and disfigured, but so does our emotional focus. Sex takes 2 people producing 1 flesh. When that sexual bond is broken with multiple sexual partners, we permanently lose a part of ourselves and gain a part of that other person. The more people we are involved with sexually, the less we are ourselves. The same thing happens emotionally. When we build an emotional bond with another person in that intimate of a setting we tend to give that person a part of ourselves and they to us. It is a bond that never really fully dissolves. We carry a piece of that person around with us for the rest of our lives, and no matter how hard we try to dislodge that aspect of that other person, it remains. When a person has had numerous emotional partners, building that emotional bond through time attention and giving of one another at deep emotional levels, we tend to remain emotionally connected to them long after the relationship has ended. We permanently gain a part of that person and lose a part of ourselves.

Many people call this "emotional baggage", which is a pretty accurate description. Many times therapists are hired to help a person "remove" this "baggage", but the reality is that this is baggage that cannot be removed. It is a cyst or wart that is permanently attached to you. What a counselor helps you to do is to minimize the negative impact this permanent growth has on your life. When we have time and time again given ourselves emotionally to another person we end up with an emotional life that is so wart encased that we cannot emotionally connect with anyone in any real way. We create for ourselves an emotional armor that cannot be penetrated even by a healthy and constructive relationship. We become a knight in armor. However, that armor is used to keep people out instead of being used to rescue people in distress, and it certainly is not shining armor.

Being involved in relationship after relationship slowly tears us apart not only physically and emotionally as has been stated here, but also mentally and spiritually as well. Nothing that we do affects only part of us. Every aspect of ourselves is interconnected to one another and nothing that we do only affects one part of us.

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Let's Talk About (More Than Just) Sex Baby

The Youth Pastor (and interim Head Pastor) at our church began a series this week with the Sr. High youth about dating. He had some really good material to work with and i will have to get a copy of his notes. They cover many of the same concepts and topics i would have covered but with a little bit of a better structure. When he was speaking it reminded me of some things... some cultural & church views that seem to be focused on at the expense of others. So i wanted to touch a little bit on some issues that i think most people, pastors as well as lay people tend to miss or forget.

One thing for instance is the concept of physical intimacy. It seems like whenever pastors or churches talk about dating and relationships we tend to focus on the unhealthy nature of physical intimacy. Sex, to be more precise. This is a hot topic in the Christian world. Sex outside of marriage is condemned in the Bible. It is rejected and it's clear why. Scientific research and other types of research back up how unhealthy it is to have numerous sexual partners on both the individual, the community, and the church. This is all very important, but sometimes we tend to get so focused on the sexual issues that we miss many of the others.

We as human beings are comprised of numerous interconnected "parts" (for lack of a better word right now "facets" may be better). We are physical (see, smell, hear, touch, & taste). We are emotional (happy, sad, upset, angry, excited, etc). We are cognitive (thought processes, plans, vision, ideas, concepts), and we are spiritual (our connection to God and what is around us that is beyond what fits into our ability to perceive otherwise). Every one of these facets is connected to one another. Something that affects one of these facets, one of these parts, affects the others. When someone is physically sick, it effects them emotionally, cognitively, as well as spiritually. The reality is that that physical sickness may only be a symptom of a problem in one of the other areas. At the same time, when we are involved in unhealthy behavior, sin, we hurt ourselves in every area of our lives.

Thus every facet of our being is affected by healthy as well as unhealthy relationships. When we go beyond what we are designed for and attempt to break the mold... the borders and limitations of what is designed to keep us in,whole, and complete... it doesn't just affect us in one area, it affects us in all areas and that's something we as a church tend to miss... to be continued...

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What does it take?

What does it take for a person, a group of people to grow and mature? When i look at our youth today i can see that many times a young adult can act mature and grow to become a healthy adult in an environment that is less than healthy. In these situations there are a couple of things that build this support, 1) people that stand in the gap, 2) their willingness to be that mature person, and 3) their relationship to God.

It is important when attempting to develop change that there is something or someone standing beside or behind this person. No one can really grow and mature alone. If we don't see or know what it means to grow and be a part of something bigger than ourselves chances are, we may not. And, we can't reach bigger and higher than ourselves without help from other people. Just as we need to be a strength and support to others. A lone tree standing against the wind will not stand for long or very well when the winds get rough. When there is a group of trees standing together, the wind cannot blow them down so easily.

If someone is not willing to be that strong person, that mature person, chances are pretty good that they aren't going to become that person. That's not to say that an unwilling person isn't going to or can't become a strong, healthy, and mature person, but chances are until they see the need to change, they are not going to change. The need and desire for change can come from within or without. Circumstances and situations can lead the change. They can be the spark that lights the fire and gets the blaze going. It can also be the fan that helps and encourages the flame to spread. However, what is really needed is the desire and need to change coming from within. A spark from outside is not going to do much with the fuel that's inside. A group of people can push, pull, and drag a person into position of maturity, but it's not going to mean much if they are an unwilling protagonist.

Lastly, and by far the most important, is our need and search for God. When our plans are, well exactly that, our plans, they only get a part of the picture. When our source is much larger than ourselves, and we tap into that source, our plans are a part of His plans and become more than we can ever imagine. If we are relying on our own imagination and ideas we are limiting our potential. God is the source of all creativity, maturity, and strength. He gives it to us when we have nothing to give. He is the source and the great director. Ultimately it is His masterpiece and we are only the work and progress.

Something to keep in mind. All three of these things are not required. A single person can do a great deal on their own. An unwilling host can become the source of great change. And God does not necessarily need us to recognize Him for Him to work through us. All three of these things together have to potential to produce maturity, growth, and much needed change.

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The Other Side

I think i'm beginning to understand things on a completely different level. I don't really like my job a whole lot. I basically work the job to pay the bills and have the insurance so that i can come home, spend some time with my family, work with the youth, etc. Last night, however, i began to see a little better how the other side lives. All my life i have spent in a Christian environment. My family growing up was involved in the church. I was always involved in the church. That continued on into my high-school and college years. There was a time that i rebelled and "turned away" from God, but i knew better. I knew that that was not going to work. My relationship and connection to God were too strong for a time of rebellion to really stick. It's like when you get really mad at the best friend you have had for years. You argue, you fight, but you are too heavily invested in each other that a stupid fight really can't destroy what you have built over the decades. So i have done the party scene, and the drama, and everything related to that before.

Last night however opened my eyes a little bit more. My work had a big celebration. We had reached a significant milestone that had taken a great deal of work and dedication by most everyone to achieve. So with a limited budget the management team put together a celebration. There was karaoke, hor d' ovures (i don't know how to spell it), and a pay bar. So my wife and i went. I'm never really that comfortable at these kinds of parties, but it was a chance to get away without the little ones which is nice sometimes. So the festivities began. Most everyone was drinking, hanging out and talking, and either singing or making a fool of themselves, or just watching it all.

I began to realize, "This is their life". So many of my co-workers work so that they can pay the bills and on the weekend get together with other coworkers and/or friends, go out to the bar and do exactly what everyone was doing last night. Get drunk, make fools of themselves, and complain about something or other. Others, instead of drinking, spend their weekends watching sports, getting lost in movies, whatever. This is the highlight of their week! There is no passion. There is no purpose. There is no direction or real desire... other than getting their weekend fix. It's no wonder everyone is always so miserable. Couple relationships have no solid foundation as a result they fall apart on a whim. Work, well work is just work. Depression is rampant. A big part of it is that for my coworkers, there is no real purpose other than to simply escape on the weekends. Where there is no vision the people perish. Where there is no purpose, there is no hope. There is only depression, escapism, and/or addiction.

I think i'm starting to understand a little bit better...

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